2019

Here comes half of the year of 2019.

Not too sure about it, but I'm kinda messed up myself in this year.

I did something that is just so not me and I really dislike myself in this way. 

I wanted to make changes in myself.

Despite the bad things that happened, there's so much changes in me and my life in this 2 years.

To be honest after what I've been through, I am so grateful for this broke up. 

I've gained so so much from there and I am on my way to become a better person.

Not to forget the anonymous who sent me the email 2 years ago to let me know the truth. 

If you happen to read my blog again, thank you. You have no idea how much you helped me at that tough time.

Cheers, till next time.

再一次

嗯...三年后的今天我再一次跌倒。跌得还要伤 还要痛...
其实所有东西都已经很明显了 是自己在执着 是自己始终不肯去承认和面对。
告诉自己要为自己 为我们勇敢 但是每一次的勇敢后换回来的是你的冷漠无情与自己的浑身伤痛。我以为我坚持就能够争取回幸福 到最后还是被你一次又一次狠狠的把我推开。
如果可以 我不想那么坚强。
如果可以 我也想要洒脱点。
其实我并不坚强 并不潇洒，而你却那么潇洒 那么洒脱 说走就走 说变了就变了。
曾经那么熟悉的你 突然变得那么陌生 突然连你的名字也与我无关...看着你的眼睛 我知道再也找不到我的身影了...我的心承受着多大的痛 你会懂吗？你永远都不会懂也不会明白这个痛。
你已经表现得非常明白 我知道 你没有舍不得。曾经说过的 曾经经历的 或许你已经忘得一干二净了...但我却历历在目 舍不得的也只有自己。
不知道为什么最近说得最多的话是恭喜 恭喜她们找到自己的幸福。心里莫名的痛涌上心头因为我一直以为我自己也有这样的一个人愿意牵着我的手 和我一起走以后未知的路...但是原来也是我自己的一厢情愿而已。
你总是告诉我说以后有什么不开心的事情可以告诉你 什么事情都可以谈 可以一起讨论 说真的我真的很喜欢这样的你。就算是到后来你还是告诉我说不开心要说出来。我天真的以为把所有东西说出来后能够一起解决，可是到最后你却告诉我说你没办法给我想要的...那一路以来我们讨论的是为了什么？是想要这样的结局吗？
我想 现在的你应该觉得解脱了吧...不再有我这一个包袱。因为你说的一句变了 我必须一个人默默的去承受所有的痛。你曾想过还爱着你的我应该怎么办吗？每一次想起你 所有的回忆都狠狠的往我砸 砸得我再也无法控制 无法呼吸...只能做的是一个人躲起来放声大哭。
没有你的日子 每一天都在猜你在干嘛 你在哪里...电话里头再也没有你的信息 你的消息。总是希望能够再次收到你的信息 能够牵你的手 能够看着你的脸发呆 能够躲进你的怀里一起看戏 一起说废话还是静静的也很满足 喝酒后也会有你陪我一起入睡...我多么希望能够与你分担你我的喜怒哀乐 多么希望不管有什么问题都会有你我在身边支持着对方...但是现在这所有一切 我只能凭空想象与怀念...
你曾经说过的我都把它们记在心里。你是一个不会用言语去表达爱的人 所以你说了 我相信了 但你却走了。
到现在我还是不明白到底是什么造就了今天的我们...我拼了命去守护着 但你却无动于衷。我并不后悔我所做的一切 至少我知道我真的用尽了全力去守护 为了我们 我勇敢过了。只是到最后你还是坚持着感觉已经变了来结束我们这三年所有的一切。或许对你来说也只不过是如此 因为在你心里我也只不过是如此。

其实我知道 你爱你自己更多。

此时此刻的我很想念你曾对我的温柔...

09/08

一个月了 每一天还是重复着3年里的习惯。每天早上一睁开眼睛想的第一件事就是你 晚上睡觉之前满脑想的还是你。眼泪流了一个月…思念从未减少和停止过。
一个月了 每一天早上睡醒时空虚感一定找上我。从以前每天放工回家后一定睡觉的我到现在能避免不睡觉就不睡觉。不是不累 而是害怕 一次又一次没原因的被吓醒后的空虚感是比平时的增加了一百倍 一千倍…
很多事情看似昨天才发生 很真实，但是当回过神来 今天所有的事情已经完完全全的不一样了。我 还是没办法接受 没办法面对。
我想 你已经走了很远很远。而我还在原地的希望你能回头看一看我。

心

充满枷锁的心 一个人的世界要藏着多少的秘密。

为什么连一个想要谈心的朋友都没有了...

不成熟

對不起 我不知道我是那麼的懦弱 我一點都不灑脫 一點都不瀟灑。到底是什麼把我和之前的性格通通都反過來了？

我痛恨自己這個樣子 總是胡思亂想 總是為了小事流淚 我厭倦這樣的我。其實我都知道總有一天你會對這樣的我覺得很厭倦 很不耐煩。或者 其实已经开始了...

說真的 我明白有誰會想要在工作的時候已經那麼累了 還要看著我一副天天在為小事 有的沒的而不開心的樣子？

以前的我呢？以前可以很開心的我呢？其實我很累 我很累每一天要面對這樣的自己。

對 當我看見你這樣說 我腦海出現的就是以前的我。感覺上我們可能會調換角色了 不好受 但是我知道不應該阻止 我不應該那麼自私。我沒有怪意。不開心 一定會有 但是我知道我需要時間去習慣這一切。或許這是我的懲罰？報應？

其實我都知道我再這樣繼續的情緒化會影響你 所以有時候不說出來是因為不想因為小事而煩你；不說出來是因為這是小事我應該自己解決。

但是情緒化開始越來越嚴重 很可怕。

明明自己有多不開心 還安慰別人說要開心。多諷刺。

原諒我那麼的不爭氣

原諒我那麼的不堅強

原諒我那麼的不成熟。

Stay Strong

its been sometime since the last post, and its already second month of year 2015 now. time flies...

just got to know that my bff just broke up weeks ago. yea, its gonna be really hard time for her to get through right now. I'm just been through it last year, i know how it feels, and i know how it kills... i wish to help her out but in fact the only thing to help her is her, herself. I just hope she will be fine really soon. if you're reading this. stay strong, we will been through with you!

ever since i been through everything, i learned. i learned to be independent and not to rely on someone too much and too over. yea, things always be so easy when you think and you say. in fact, nope. when i know i started rely, but still i force myself so hard to be independent. you never know, this is the hardest thing ever, and the suffering thing ever. what to do? because you don't wanna the same thing happen on you again.

till then, i will continue with my new post soon which is my trip.

想突破

是最近才真正的接触到社会吗？感觉上在短短的两个月半发生了很多事情。不知该从哪说起。

或许可以说比起之前的工作 这一份工作的见识不一样了。遇见的人也很不一样 太多了。

也因为这样 开始想了。这样没日没夜的生活到底要维持多久？这样的一份工作 要打多久？

外面的诱惑太多 太大了。无可否认 我知道自己是一个怎样的人 一份这样的工 不可能会满足我。每一件想做的事情都必须想清楚。

太多的诱惑 我好想要有突破 但是却不知道从哪里开始。 想要成功 却也不知从哪里开始。或许 成功还离我很遥远...

Working Life, Part II

Finally I've back to working life again after half year. Sounds crazy but true, I've not been working for half year already until i met this job. Needless to say, it is not design job anymore. I was so struggle about this job because they don't even care if you have any cert to enter, and it just paper works. I just dislike the feelings.

Until i really found the interest in this. I wouldn't have to worry that I couldn't think of any design, I wouldn't have to counting the time day and night. My time passed real quick when I'm working. I'm more likely prefer and enjoy this more than the previous job which I'm always feel so free and just surfing net to pass my time or until I assign to any work. But, I still love to do design, I just hate the thinking part. Since it been half year I stopped working, I will just work for this until I meet a better job.

This is the very first time, first job I have to OT, just the second working day we started OT. The latest one, 11.30pm. Somehow, sometime I really enjoying that.


No idea why, it seems like I'm working construction instead of office work. Since I started this job, my hands and legs won't stop from getting injured. This is the one really pain my ass off.

Hmm, I guess I'm done with the update for my working life. Will be back here again, hopefully. Life is gonna be busy, and I enjoyed it.

Good night world!

Paris \\ Heartfelt

there's so much that had happened in just only 2 months. there's a lot to tell, but i don't know where should i start from. hmm, i guess i should have started to look for job now, but i ask myself again, where should i start from? looking back to the old pictures, reminds me of those time when i'm in college, i miss it a lot even thou always stress about tons of assignment, but i'd enjoyed it. missing all the school time. time flies, i've been in the society, the reality. at the same time, i lost myself too.

thought of the beautiful city, Paris. and i missed it a lot. the most beautiful city i've ever seen. i fall in love with it and wanted to go back so badly. missing the cold weather, the beautiful buildings, and everything over there.

the Eiffel Tower, and yes, my dream came true. 

the bread over there is really awesome, i miss it. so do the macaroons!

i promise i will be going back very soon. yes, very soon...

曾經

曾經有那麼的一個人

我們是朋友 是情侶 是家人

現在卻演變成如陌生人那樣陌生

我不喜歡這種感覺

這種 空虛

梦

已经连续几晚都梦见他 每一次醒来都觉得很空虚。

但今天醒来 我流泪了。

Late Night Thought for year 2013

time flies, didn't realize i had been 5 months never update my blog. always wanted to but it ends up the laziness kills again. today, had ended the first day of CNY. why so fast... soon have to get back to work again. the CNY is just too short for this year. oh! the other reason of it is because am already working adult too. feeling so old.

as we grow, things changed. there's lot of things had changed. its like roller coaster throughout the years by years. hmm, flash back to year 2013, seriously, i did lots of thing in this year, the year that i've spend the most! oh i have started up my small online business since end of the year 2013, it always been my dream to have my own online business. thou it still not too good nor too bad. still trying so hard on doing that. i hope one day i could have success like how others do! besides that, i joined AIA... seriously why? no idea why thou. i just want to try, although i really hate that. yes i know, nobody likes that. =X

also, had the most wonderful trip for the end of the year 2013 and beginning of the year 2014. will blog bout it soon! hopefully laziness wont kills again.

somehow, i found out that i'm really a loser. *booooooooo

what makes me think like that?

i can see everything from my eyes, feel everything from my heart.

but i could never find out which is the true or false.

sometimes, i feel like... uhm. nevermind. i will keep this for myself.

lastly, i just want to be happy for this whole year of 2014!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR :)

Fly me to the SKY

As what the title has tell a lil story of my post today. I love FLYING, every time I get to fly, I felt pretty excited. I love travelling since years ago. And since years ago, I've a dream. I wanted to travel around the world, I wanted to be a FA (flight attendant/air stewardess/cabin crew).

But guess what, i could never achieve this dream. There's no airlines would take me because of my serious underweight issue. That's the reason I never try to go for it. I've did lots of research about being a FA, and also i did research a lot of how the interviews goes. I read through blogs how's the interviews goes, the FA's daily job and stuff, i asked, and I liked EduFly FB's page (An academy that provides training and directly secure the job). Gone through all the blogs, interviews is really the scariest part, training and working on board is scary too, but I still hope I stand a chance to try it out. *ok la, i got to admit because AA's uniform is too pretty to wear it on too, lols*

Days ago, I received a message from EduFly's staff, she came to me and told me that I have the potential to be a FA. after i told her my obstacle, my problem to be FA. She told me that my weight definitely is the obstacle for me to be FA, but i do have what they want for. Actually I really felt happy about this, I never know I do have the potential to be a FA, but still, my weight is my biggest obstacle. Maybe you guys will think that 'aiya, eat more la, ain't that difficult to gain weight too.' like drinking a cup of water could gain weight/fats. To be honest, it really a difficult for me to gain. I'm born in a skinny-gene-family. And so, i could never achieve this dream, because its really hard for me to gain even 1kg. (hmm, maybe i never put an effort on it. because i know it won't be happen) So I've lots of excuses to gain weight.

Instead of complaining, excuses, why not just try to gain some weight. I really hope i could gain some weight and fats one day. For myself. Maybe I shall start it right now, since she told me I have the potential? *grins* Hopefully I could gain some fats in 1/2 years? Because I'm just getting older, i don't wanna to be FA in older age :( that's really sad. *like I definitely get to work as FA one day*

GOD PLEASE BLESS ME

p/s: definitely not because of 'Triumph in the Sky' that makes me wanted to be a FA.

Here come MARCH

time flies, and here come to March already. Too much thing happened, uhm, it shouldn't be too much thing, it should be too much event that so happening on December - February.

December;
the very first thing that very happy in this month was my braces is finally off! I've put on the braces for one year and putting on braces is really disaster for me, i couldn't have any nice picture after all.

the picture of me with braces and the right hand side is the first picture after i got my braces off! imma happy girl! Then, second thing that happened on December is I've started my first career. hmm, talking about working life is really bored and pointless to talk about because there's nothing fun with it. Next was prepare for my boy's birthday, fyi, it's the very first time i celebrate my bf's birthday. So... I brought him to Marini's on 57 to have dinner.

fyi, Marini's on 57 have very good environment, but for the foods over there, it just average. oh not to forget my birthday too! we both are december baby, hehehe. Talking about my birthday, it really such a mess, i'm not good in planning, but thanks god the birthday party went smoothly and thanks for all the helps from family, love and friends.

thanks to the boyf ordered such awesome and pretty cake for me as my birthday cake, i really love the cake so much. also, not to forget the celebration on the exact date of my birthday. At the morning, he lie to me that he gonna have lunch with me, but he actually surprise me by cooking spaghetti for me by himself! he brought me 'tang yuen' as well. i feel so loved and its really delicious! And at the night, he brought me to sky bar to end my 21st birthday.

Love you, xoxo

January 2013;

its NEW YEAR! and i'm going to Australia in this month. also, me and boyf's FIRST ANNIVERSARY.

before we head to airport at the evening, we head to mall and bought the anniversary's pressie. Its couple watch from SOLVIL TITUS. 

talk about Australia, there's nothing to do with. uhm, a lil bored for me. so i wouldn't go there again but any event or something important is exceptional. CNY haven reach yet but we gambling every night in Melbourne. sleep early every night in Adelaide. lol, in fact, we just stay in Adelaide for 3 days, Melbourne for 3 day, another 2 days was journey from Adelaide to Melbourne. everything in Australia is so expensive. so nothing much could get over there, because when you think of 3 times money of RM den you wouldn't want to spend. haha

the sky is still bright when its already 830pm, so not used to it.

okay, just forgotten the purpose of us to Australia. Its actually to attend my cousin sister's wedding in Adelaide. Daddy's birthday is the next day of the wedding, they bought cake for daddy and celebrate it after the wedding and dinner.

everyone dress up formally on this day.

traditional in their country?? lol

candy's buffet! this just couldnt resist! and all the candy is pack in the adorable little bag.

*spot the bride and the groom of the day behind there*

its our last day stay in Adelaide. Then, we proceed to Melbourne. really tiring to sit inside the car, all the way to Melbourne. but, there's nice view nearby where we stay. 

blue lake @ Mount Gambler. the lake its really this blue, no edit.

its really cold and windy in Mount Gambler, no kidding, summer right...

okay, no idea what happen to this fellow. outside of the place that we had dinner.

12 apostles.

there's nothing much to talk about when we in Melbourne, because its hot in there, so we just went to shopping mall. and the last day we in Melbourne, lets meet the cutie pie, Micheal. I really love him so much, mix somemore! he even know how to delete picture that he dont like.

hello Melbourne! love the buildings and the sky.

hello Micheal, we love you :)

okay, after that, we went to casino. its my first time gamble in casino! i got luck, lol, when i saw i won, i quickly stop playing.

Besides, i got myself an iphone5, imma happy girl :D

February;

everyone love February, because angpao is coming~~ hehehe. and coincident that Valentines is fall on the date of CNY. its the second year of the Valentine's celebration with boyf. and i thought he wouldn't get me pressie as we already bought the watch, but he did. i feel guilty for getting him a bear... 

its bracelet from Thomas Sabo, love it. Bad luck did happened, i got sick twice in this month too. lol, really no idea why.

and here come March, 1st of March;

boyf left today and went to SG to work. i feel so alone. i miss you already :(